I'm jealous of your bromance
Moan for me like Helen Keller
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
