Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
