Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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