I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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