ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Randomize
