It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
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