Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
