I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
