The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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