: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Never let your siblings swipe right.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
