My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
