this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
