I will die if light touches me.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
