508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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