I'm drive I can fine osifer
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
