so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
