I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
