Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
