hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Randomize
