she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
