Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
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You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
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I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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