I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
