Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
