shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
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