Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
