i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
