Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
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