he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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