he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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