Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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