That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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