I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Randomize
