Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
