New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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