Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
