we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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