I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
