i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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