I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
