he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
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