just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
