In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I need a hoe opinion
go on
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
