omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I need a beard to bite.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
