Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
