new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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