I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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