i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
