HIV tests are more positive than that guy
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Randomize
