Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
The Olympian is in my bed
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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