Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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