census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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