considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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