I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
