saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Randomize
