the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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