...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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