my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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