last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
