yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
