guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
