you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
