I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
