i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
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